“Nine of the 10 people that we’ve identified, that have very good knowledge with respect to the Bidens, they’re—they’re one of three things, Maria. They’re either currently in court, they’re currently in jail, or they’re currently missing.”
I want to thank the press for coming here today. Today, after months of investigation, the House Oversight Committee is pleased to announce that we have found 10 individuals with very good knowledge of Joe Biden committing various and very shocking crimes. These 10 witnesses will finally blow the lid off of the Biden family’s long-standing crime spree, which includes crimes, each of them more shocking than the other.
We will now introduce our witnesses. Unfortunately, our first planned witness is in prison for wire fraud, so that witness is unable to attend at this time. Our second two witnesses, who have evidence even more compelling than the first witnesses, also cannot attend today because they are currently incarcerated for transporting endangered prairie dogs across state lines for the purposes of gambling.
Our fourth witness, however, is among the most credible informants any of us here on the House Oversight Committee have ever heard from. We are not able to locate that witness at this time, and I would like to remind the press at this point that witnesses of this high caliber are often in the spy business, and it is possible that the witness is missing because he is under deep cover, possibly in Paraguay or one of those other Asian nations, uncovering even better evidence than he would have provided you today had we been able to find him.
So that’s a good thing, not a bad thing, and I am sure we will find our informant within the due course of time. If we cannot find the informant, it may be because the Joe Biden family’s connections to the international assassins who advertise their services using codewords printed in the “Looking for Love” section of the Kansas City Courier Herald Digest were simply so skilled in ranged combat that our informant has, unfortunately, died.